When You Accidentally End up in Empty Love

I’ve always been a romantic at heart. A true believer in soul mates. But my cultural programming got the best of me when I was young, and like so many others, I ended up riding the conveyor belt toward its very narrow definition of success. For me, growing up with fundamentalist Christian teachings, that meant early marriage, saving oneself until the wedding night, and letting my husband be the leader of the household. Shudder With such a strong cultural current and my frantic need for approval, it’s no wonder I ended up married at the age of 21 to someone that felt all wrong for me in mind, body, and soul.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love breaks romantic relationships into three key components: Intimacy, which is the closeness and camaraderie we feel with a person, Passion, which is sexual chemistry, and Commitment, or a dedication to being together. You can have any combination of the three, and he has given names and descriptions to each of them.

Infatuated - Relationships which are hot and heavy but aren’t based on anything deeper and often don’t last for long. Pure passion.Fatuous - Relationships that are passionate and committed but have no deep connection between individuals. This could be like love at first sight and may possibly fizzle or grow stronger if they develop an emotional closeness. 

Liking - Relationships that are friendly in nature but don’t involve commitment or passion. An acquaintance or casual friendship.

Companionate - Relationships that have no spark of passion but are committed and intimate nonetheless. This could be a family member, a dear friend, or lovers whose passion has faded over time.

Romantic - Relationships that have sexual and emotional chemistry but lack a commitment, like an affair or one night stand

Empty - Relationships that lack emotional vulnerability and passion, but the individuals are committed to remaining together

Consummate - The ideal relationship that contains all three components, intimacy, passion, and commitment. True lovers.

So it was that a young girl with a heart full of romance and dreams of a consummate union of souls ended up in Empty Love. Though I knew my marriage was a mistake, even then at 21, I believed that I had made my proverbial bed, and the only morally appropriate option was to make the best of it. I tried. Really I did. For over a decade.

A few years into my marriage, along came kids, and for the first time I felt maternal love. The intensity of it surprised me. That sweet yearning for my babies filled my heart to bursting and still does. I also began working on my own self love through meditation, therapy, and yoga, and the breakthroughs I had during that sacred time are some of the most meaningful experiences of my life.

This is what I meant by making the best of it. I squeezed every ounce of love I could out of that life, and it was beautiful. I thought it was enough, but every once in a while my romantic heart would flair up and insist I acknowledge it. After all, what will happen when the kids grow up and you’re left alone with your YouTube yoga videos, your cats, and the husband you were assigned? I really believed that I didn’t need romantic love, that I had given up on it. 

But it didn’t give up on me.

I didn’t know it during those 11 long years, but I was on a collision course with Consummate Love...